TRUTH.. BLACK or WHITE

2011-05-16T08:50:00.001-07:00

because ever since young this is always how it was.
this is my fear, my trauma..

and this is how i feel now.
i become afraid of being alone again.
so fear that just one action would kill me straight.

just one action, i'll remember everything..
and then i become tramatized again..
not that i want.. but tears just can't stop flowing..
it's no one's fault but somehow i just can't stop my tears.
this is not how it should be.
this is not how i should be.
this is no me...

2011-05-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

i think i need time.

2011-04-16T22:40:00.001-07:00

so freaking stressed out even before school reopen! *sigh*
i lost all the mood to do anything.. feeling so tired now.

2011-04-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm so in shopping mood now...
before i realised, i've been shopping for the past few days!
slightly more than a week!
nono.. not that i didn't realise.. i chose not to realise it!
or i will go crazy.. FOR SURE!!!

YAY! got my second pay! HAHAH
what does this mean?
SHOPPING TIME AGAIN!! *OH NO!*

anyway, i'm too lazy to talk about all the things that i bought..
so HAHA maybe next time..

still got resume to write.. sian..

2011-04-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

A happy happy birthday.
But a sad way to end it.

I don't blame anyone, but just thought..
Why on my birthday?
can't it be yesterday? or tomorrow?
why must it be on my birthday?

2011-04-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

i'll smile

2011-03-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

what am i going to do in the future?

2011-03-27T05:39:00.001-07:00

i saw nothing but darkness.
cause i can't see my own future,
make me fear and panicked.
what i can see is only total darkness.
just when i realise, i'm totally good at nothing.
not in talking.
not in social.
not in studies.
not in anything.

2011-03-27T05:27:00.000-07:00

no.. to be more exact..
i love being in my room..
only my room..

2011-03-27T04:48:00.000-07:00

i realised how much i love being at home alone.
though this is what i used to hate alot..
somehow i don't mind it now..
no..
i should say i wish for it now..

2011-03-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

How i wish i have the ability..
the knowledge..
then i'll be able to help..

2011-03-13T05:53:00.000-07:00

All JE Artists are safe..
it's a good news..
but here comes the bad one..

After the earthquake + tsunami..
80000 people are currently missing,
2000 people are dead,
and 1000 people are injured.

These are not the final numbers..
the numbers are still increasing everyday.. ):

Pray for Japan.

2011-03-12T11:10:00.001-08:00

ARASHI IS SAFE!!!
THANK GOODNESS!!

2011-03-11T07:32:00.001-08:00

Japan..
Please be safe..

2011-03-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

everyday everyday i missed home..
when i just leave home..
when i'm waiting for train..
when i'm waiting for bus..
when i'm working..
when i'm having my break..
when i'm going home..
when i'm home..

it doesn't matter if i am at home or not..
i missed home alot..
this few days..
the feel of home isn't realistic at all..
i don't feel the home feel at all..
somehow i can't even calm down at home..
maybe the time at home is way too little..
man.. i missed home so much..

2011-03-09T04:58:00.000-08:00

Entangled and snarled..
When two loves were about to bloom, in that very instant..
As one opens, the other one closed.

2011-03-08T03:51:00.000-08:00

FUCK!!!!!
I'M SUFFOCATING!!
AHHHHHHH

FUCK MY LOUSY LIFE!!!
I GIVE UP!!
I ADMIT!! MY LIFE SUCKS!!
SUCK TO THE CORE!!!!

FMEL!!!!!!!

2011-03-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

I cry, i shout, i make a nuisance out of myself.
Without anyone knowing.. without anyone helping.
i fear, i'm scared, i'm afraid of everything.
but there's no one who can help me.
i want to run.. run away as far as i can..
leave today and not to tomorrow..
i don't want tomorrow..
i don't want today..
i don't want yesterday..
i don't want anything..

i want nothing..
i want nothing..
i want nothing..

2011-02-25T08:57:00.000-08:00

Arashi - Lotus

WOOOHOOOO ARASHI'S LATEST SINGLE!!!
LOTUS!!!! MAIN THEME FOR AIBA'S NEW SHOW BARTENDER!

Watched the first 2 episodes of BARTENDER the other day..
it's awesome! really loved the way the prepare the cocktail..
I must one day go down to one of the pubs and order a cocktail..
then i'll see the bartender prepare it.. hehhh <3

As usual.. ARASHI looks soo hot!
especially my MatsuJun! HAHAHAH

2011-02-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

Please just dig a grave for me.

2011-02-20T04:08:00.000-08:00

There's a reason behind everything.

2011-02-19T05:53:00.000-08:00

The day i stop listening to that song, will be the day i'm totally fine.

2011-02-19T00:49:00.000-08:00

I'm strong. So i'll be fine.

2011-02-17T07:06:00.000-08:00

Please make me as busy as possible.
So busy that i won't even have the chance to remember anything.

2011-02-16T05:56:00.000-08:00

Baek Ji Young's That Woman.

The exact same song playing as the background music for my blog now.
This is one of the insert song for the Kdrama, Secret Garden.

2011-02-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

All i'm lacking now is the courage to tell you i like you.
I no longer have the courage.
I lost the courage i have in the past to say that i like you.
I no longer dare to see you. no longer dare to talk about you.
I'm afraid of your sight. i'm afraid of your thoughts.
Now i can only avoid not to talk about you and not to look at you.

Now i've become the kind of person i hated.

2011-02-01T21:54:00.000-08:00

YAY!! さすが CHINESE NEW YEAR EVE だ!!!
I'M TOTALLY INTO THE CNY MODE ALREADY!!! WOOOHOOOO
BUTTTTT MY BIA PART NOT DONE YET!!!
IT'S NOT GOING TO AFFECT MY CNY MOOD THOUGH~~~ HAHAHAHAH

恭喜恭喜！新年快乐！红包多多来！哈哈哈哈

2011-01-20T07:38:00.000-08:00

i'll try to remember how to smile.

2011-01-20T05:02:00.000-08:00

my feelings are not meant to be shown.

2011-01-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

disappointment.. why should i be stabbed by someone i thought was my good friend.
but now.. i can only use past tense for it. no more.. i've tolerated again and again and again.. and now.. seriously i'm tired.. you tried to make me the bad person.. you tried to make me an irresponsible person.. and are you still going to consider me as your friend? you stabbed me at my back.. and then pretend like nothing happened.. you tried to talk and laugh in front of me.. what? trying to make me jealous cause you lived happily? what a joke. fine then. i've been forgiving you again and again but you just don't learn.. i don't throw my temper.. so you think it will be okay for you to stab me? do you really think that i won't know about it? stop joking! i had enough.. you make me see you clearly. so no more am i letting all this continue..

thanks for everything.. i appreciated it.

2011-01-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

Went USS today!!! HAD LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN! THE PHOTO ABOVE.. LOVED IT TO THE MAX!! TOTALLY!!! IT'S LIKE FAIRY TALES!!!! THE ONE IN MY DREAM.. HAHAHAH
i'm in my bubble of happiness again. hahah please let nothing pull me out. (:

2010-12-16T12:08:00.000-08:00

WHY NO NEW HAIRSTYLE SIAAAAAAA???????

2010-12-04T08:20:00.001-08:00

no more.

2010-12-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

i tried to talk and sort thing out.
but you ignored me so by all means.

2010-11-27T06:50:00.000-08:00

Yes! I've succeeded in my first hairstyle, and now i've successfully done my second hairstyle! MUAHAHAHAHAH
thankfully i bought the pearl hair band! hahaha i got to used it today! =D

PHOTO NO. 1: MY FIRST SUCCESSFUL HAIRSTYLE

This hairstyle is the very first hairstyle that i learnt! liked this hair alot.. but my back hair is kinda long so it came out not as well as the person in the tutorial video.. but oh well, haha it's still a success! =D

PHOTO NO. 2: SECOND SECOND HAIRSTYLE

I GOT THIS DONE TODAY! SOOOOO HAPPY! HAHAHAH cause the past few days.. was quite upset cause the tutorials that i watched, the hair dos are some that my hair can't do.. reason.. MY HAIR IS TOO SHORT! T.T but todayyyyyy YAY!! i got it done nicely! ^^

ANYWAY! i loved the back view of this hair style.. it's so freaking nice!

LOVED IT SO MUCH! *muacks muacks!*

p.s. PLEASE LOOK FORWARD TO THE THIRD ONE! HAHAH CAUSE I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT TOO!

DEAR HAIR, PLEASE GROW INTO A BEAUTIFUL BEAUTY AND I'LL LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS THOUGH I'M ALREADY SOOO MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU NOW. (:

2010-11-24T00:04:00.000-08:00

i'm living in my own world of happiness.

2010-11-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

words can no longer be trusted
and actions speaks everything

2010-11-15T05:58:00.001-08:00

i'm getting tired.
tired of everything.
just when i thought my life is filled with colours.
it was turned up side down all of a sudden.
without any notice, i start to lose confidence on myself.
thinking if i am not good enough.
and then i become super sensitive and i starts to think alot..
wayy too much.

because things starts to get complicated..
people starts to get weird..
i start to fear, and no place can calm my heart down.
because everywhere are nothing but complicated things.

when all these accumulates
i stressed and pressurise myself..
and then like an explosion, i broke down and cry.

when all these shouldn't be shown to anyone
i couldn't control and showed it out.
i hate myself for doing this.

maybe things will be better tomorrow.
hopefully.

2010-11-14T04:44:00.001-08:00

when things become complicated
people becomes weird
i wanna turn my head away
but when i turn i saw my best friend
with a smile on the face saying it's okay
and yet having a shadow crying at the back.
so how am i suppose to turn my head away
when at both sides are things i never want to see.

2010-11-11T05:44:00.001-08:00

can someone please tell me that everything will be fine..?

2010-11-11T05:16:00.000-08:00

我已经不知道该怎么办了..

2010-11-08T08:17:00.001-08:00

i am super frustrated now..
i need to calm myself down..
i need to do work..

2010-11-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

i don't know don't know what got into me..
i believed myself soooo much..
believe my beliefs soooo much..
but all of a sudden..
everything starts to get uncertain..
i feel so so so frustrated now..
with myself.. with everything..
i don't like discourage words..
so.. i'll try to get through it..
maybe i'll be fine tomorrow..

2010-11-07T08:29:00.001-08:00

i think i have to stop making stuff and start studying..

2010-11-05T11:52:00.001-07:00

my stupid brother is bullying me right now! BOOOOOO

2010-11-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

just ended a heart to heart talk with wenyi..
had one with nana the other day..
we talk about alot alot alot..
so much that i am actually quite shock that i told them all those things which to me even friends aren't suppose to know.

**hilda! when will it be ours!?! HAHAH**

2010-11-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

一如既往的醒来，
一如既往的房间，
一如既往的笑容，
一如既往的生活，
那么多的一如既往，
为什么今天的我会特别想你？

2010-11-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

why is everything so complicated..
why is life so complicated..
can't it be simplified???? OMG!
i'm going crazy soon..

2010-11-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

so much things to do, yet so little time i have! arg!

2010-11-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

act normal.. act normall will do..

2010-10-31T01:27:00.001-07:00

i woke up in cold sweat last night..
but i can't remember what i dreamt about.

2010-10-30T01:51:00.000-07:00

i can't say i know you well.. because i don't..
we may be very good friends, but i don't know you well..
i still need time to get to know you..

you apologised to me.. but for the wrong reason..
the reason you apologise don't bother me at all..
because i get my entertainment from there.. i get my fun..
so it should be me thanking you and not you apologising..

i know sometimes you are angry or frustrated..
but do remember.. i don't care.. i'm more concern about why you are frustrated..
i won't get angry if you are angry with me..
i just get frustrated because sometimes i don't know why..
you have to tell me.. tell me the reason why you are angry.. then we can actually work it out.

i'll apologise if it's my fault.. i'll talk to you if i think it's a misunderstanding..
so you HAVE to talk to me about it.
because what i am concern is you and not your problem..
i am upset because you won't discuss the matter with me..

really.. i don't need your apology..
i don't really cares about apologies..
i just want to have a solution..
a solution that will work out well..
if i want your apology.. i will ask for it straight..

so the best solution for now..
i think is that we can discuss about what's the problem and work it out..
i do cherish our friendship too..
so i really don't want to have any barriers in our friendship..

2010-10-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

i prefer not to see from far by standing far away.
i prefer to stand close and see close.
maybe one day one will realise it.
but i will need to have the patient to wait..
though at times.. waiting is very torturing..
but i can still do it.. (:

2010-10-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

one day it will reach the right person.

2010-10-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

i mustn't lose confidence..

2010-10-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

PLEASE SAY YES !

2010-10-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

went to watch "i give my first love to you" today..
a romance japanese movie adapted from the manga
"boku no hatsukoi wo kimi ni sasagu"..

it's a super sad movie.. i cried from the start all the way till the end.. ):
super sadded!
the storyline was good.. at least i like it myself alot..
but at the very end.. takuma still dies..
the time limit to their love is 20 years..
but it's not even 20 years when they ended..
it's sooo saddening that i still feels the pain in my heart now..
no regret watching this movie.. (:

Have to wake up super early tomorrow..
waking up at 6..
have to meet jac at 7 15 and reach ecp at 9..
omg.. i think i'll be super shag tomorrow and sunday...

2010-10-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

yep. the sun is out again today..
i'll get used to everything soon..
i'll adjust my emotions so i won't feel down again..
i'll be the super happy one because sadness only last for 3 minutes. (=

2010-10-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

3 minutes..
i'll only sulk for 3 minutes..
so please let me cover my face for 3 minutes..

2010-10-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

let the rain fall tonight.. and the sun will be out again tomorrow

2010-10-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

i thought that finally i am needed. i can be of some use..
but then i realised.. i am not. depending on others to depend on me..
but i'm not reliable enough for people to depend on.
maybe it was all my fault that no one is willing to depend on me.
because of my stupidness, silliness and childishness.
i am the cause of what i didn't want.

i tried to. but i really don't know how to approach and befriend.
i don't know how to react.. so in the end i chose to run away.
and at the very end.. i am the cause of everything that i didn't wanted.

i am not that brave.. not that strong..
i'm just a coward.. a person who depends alot on others..
i don't want that.. i don't want to depend that much on others..
in the end i will only suffer alone..

2010-10-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

then i realised i no longer belongs there. HAHAH
actually eversince year 2 i don't belongs to there anymore..
but still we are that much like a class..
but when a new sem starts..
the chances of us being together decreased.
physically i don't belongs to there..
and now.. mentally i more of aware that i no longer belongs to there anymore.
everything is no longer the same.
somehow it makes me so much sadded. )):

2010-10-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HITMAN REBORN!!!
EPISODE 87!!!!

"ARASHI WA RED-TO"

FLAME OF ARASHI(STORM) IS RED!!!
RED! RED! RED!
ARASHI IS RED!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

2010-10-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

the things i want will never be mine..
the wishes i wish will never come true..
so what can i still wish for?
it will never be what i want..

the place that became what i hate..
is the place where i will be..
because my wish will never come true..
so what can i still yearn for?

**please don't be mistaken..
i'm not writing a poem..
it's just that i'm releasing my frustration.**

2010-10-01T22:20:00.000-07:00

it has been days since i last blogged..
well, it has been a really fun week!
go out everyday shopping, k-ing, movie-ing, shabu-ing, shopping..
WOOOHOOOOO
had soooo much fun!
but behind all the fun is always nagging..
well, practically everyday when i reach home,
my parents will be nagging and nagging and nagging! hahahah
but it's funny to hear what they say.. shhhhh

so today's plan is go malaysia..
BUT! dad say we might not be going..
PLEASEEEEE let me go! i've been sooo excited about it you know!
it like every alternate week i am going to malaysia!
i wanna go this week too!
PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GOOOOOO

*HAHAH it seems like i finally have a long blog post! so jac cannot say my blogg look like twitter again!

2010-09-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

went k with hil, nana and wenyi today.. had so much fun!
it's the first time seeing hil since hols started! HAHAH

after singing k, went je to have supper with jac and ser!
chatted for 1+ hour and ate some food!
fun chatting ah!

well.. i'm too lazy to type out all the details..
so just this! MUAHAHAHAH

by the way! going eat shabu with huiyi and beeguet tomorrow!
and also watching movie! gonna watch 'The Shock Labyrinth'
HORROR MOVIE!!!
WOOOOO I FEEL SO EXCITED YET I'M SO SCARED~~~

2010-09-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

went shopping with nana at orchard!
bought flip flops from newurbanmale!!

2010-09-26T09:53:00.001-07:00

OHHHHH NUM FLIP FLOPS!!!
I'M COMING TO GET YOU TOMORROW !!!
I MEAN LATER !
NOW IS MONDAY, 1 AM!~

2010-09-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

"No matter how fat you get, you’re still you. I don’t care if you are fat or thin, I’ll always love you. " --- Domyoji Tsukasa

THIS IS THE BEST !!

2010-09-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

gonna spend my holidays in a very useful and meaningful way..
manga and anime all the way!

2010-09-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

off to malaysia . heh

2010-09-17T11:06:00.001-07:00

from behind without notice..

2010-09-17T08:06:00.001-07:00

one month will come and go like a blink..
please let me rest as much as i can..
work as hard as i can..

2010-09-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

happy days passed fast..

2010-09-16T09:49:00.001-07:00

i thought i gonna faint in school today..
thank goodness i managed to survive through..

2010-09-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

maybe one day i will become what i wish i was

2010-09-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

no more energy left..
everything is meaningless and pointless.

2010-09-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

2 more paper to go..

2010-09-08T12:31:00.000-07:00

my stomach likes to scream and shout at me when i'm having an exam.
HEYYY QUIT IT YOU STUPID STOMACH!

2010-09-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

Let me imagine..

2010-09-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

Yearning for.. and it evolved..

2010-09-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

i'm hoping for the impossible.

2010-08-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

With wings that can't be spread..
I can still fly..

2010-08-25T09:00:00.001-07:00

i need the power!

2010-08-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

要独立要蹋出第一步
需要很大的勇气
我希望拥有这份勇气

2010-08-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

因为害怕所以不敢直视
为什么要害怕?

2010-08-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

倒下的勇士站起来

2010-08-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

i won't ask to go back to the past.
because this will never happen.
so i can only say i'll face the future.
even if i don't wanna face, i'll still face it.

2010-08-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

in the end i realised.. there's still an invisible barrier surrounding me.

just when i thought everything have finally changed..

2010-08-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

Was quite addicted to classical musics recently..
Beethoven's Symphony no.9,
Ravel's Tzigane,
Chopin's Fantaisie-Impromptu,
Josef Wagner's Under the double eagle,
and alot more.

While i was searching on ravel's tzigane,
i came across this japanese violinist, Ryu Goto.
went on to research abit more on him and realised he was a genius! a child prodigy!
he started learning violin at the age of three and had his concert debut at the age of seven!
there are alot more about him but i won't talk much about them.. HAHAH

the video that totally make me speechless was his version of tzigane..
it's awesome! I'M LIKE TOTALLY ADDICTED TO IT!

Here's the video; he's a pro! age: 18!

and here's his debut performance! age: 7!!!

I really think his performance is an awesome one!
someone who is of a similar age of mine..
maybe a little older than me..
but his achievements is stunning!

2010-08-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

how to accept who they are when they don't even do what they should do? what they need to do and what they have to do?

2010-08-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

cep.. thanks for keeping my mind occupied.
ttec.. thanks for throwing all my effort into the sea..

2010-08-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

TODAY ISN'T A PLEASANT DAY ..

2010-08-01T04:43:00.000-07:00

Facebook is no longer a place where i can show my feelings, expressing my frustration, my anger.. showing all that on facebook will only gain people's upset-ness.. no more place left.. i can only keep everything to myself..

2010-07-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

so hopeless. no one is there to help.
it's a group work not an individual work..
so why am i suppose to do everything when they just throw me a chunk of words?

2010-07-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

you ask me what's wrong when the one who makes me wanna cry is you..
then how am i suppose to tell you that i'm upset because of you?

2010-07-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

Caring too much is tiring..
so how to not care about anything?

2010-05-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

OMG!!!
JESSIE"S HERE!!!
LOL
YES!!! I'M HERE!!! AND I'M OFFICIALLY DECLARING THAT I'VE FULLY RECOVERED!!!
MUAHAHHAHAHAH THANK YOU DAD~ THANK YOU MUM~ THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTED ME..~ LOLLLL LAST BUT NTO LEAST.. I WANT TO THANK MYSELF!!!! YOU SUFFERED!!!! AWWWWWWW HAHAHAHAH

2010-05-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

天啊... 我犯了罪不应该犯的错...
妈妈的生日... 我竟然都没有祝她生日快乐！
其实我不是不知道他的生日在27号...
我只是不知道昨天是27号!!!
怎么办!?!?!
妈妈生气加伤心了!!! T.T

2010-05-23T23:46:00.000-07:00

SICK! zzz
went to see the doctor just now.
Fever 38.1 (doc say quite high?), running nose, sore throat, cough..
got 3 days MC..
i'll miss so many lessons... omg~